Multiple Tabs

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College has done irreparable damage to my brain.
Once upon a time, I could have an uninterrupted thought. I could concentrate on one thing for an extended length of time. I could write or research for hours nonstop. I could pour all of my thinking power into a reading assignment. I could even—imagine this—remember something I had read.
Three years of having to do a thousand things as once has completely eliminated my ability to focus.
Every class demands all of your concentration. It may not need all of your concentration—but each demands it. Sometimes I wonder if teachers assume theirs is the only class you’re taking. The workload seems comparable to that line of thinking.
But since there are only 24 hours in the day, there is no possible way to give every task 100% of your time. The inevitable nervousness this generates—stemming for the thought that it might not be possible to get everything done—results in an inability to focus. The brain is constantly thinking about whatever it needs to do next.
Three years of this kind of thinking retrains your brain into a fully functional, information-absorbing, track-jumping machine. It can focus on tiny things for brief periods of time and remember about half of what it takes in. And that is all.
Thanks, college.
It’s like having a browser open with a million different tabs, each trying to accomplish different tasks at the same time. It gets noisy in my head sometimes. Okay, all the time.
And honestly, the only things that still it are music, prayer, and writing.
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3 responses »

  1. I completely get this! It’s so frustrating!! I have lost mine for the day, which is the worst feeling because I know I can’t get it back. I’ve tried time after time (and now I’m singing the song in my head). 😦

    I’m in grad school online. So, it’s 1000 times worse; if you can imagine that! Most students take one course while working full time, but not me. I want to finish faster, so I’m taking 2 at a time (and working full time). You would think it’s only one extra course. Holy F*#%! One professor thinks it’s the only course your taking, but gives you the work like your taking 3. Then the other is flexible, but still gives enough work for 2. I think I’m going to need to be medicated for this soon… LOL! Good luck finding your focus!

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